Finding Mercy in the Pain

I was recently gifted the book Unpunishable by Danny Silk, and at first found myself recoiling from the pages as I read it. This book is a deep dive into the wounded hearts of man who desire punishment to establish safety and credibility for offense. To establish an understanding of repentance and reconciliation over punishment for failures, whether it be financial, relational, or anything in between is the heart of this book, and admittedly, it felt as though my heart had stopped at times while patiently journeying through the pages.

I’d like to think I’ve fully understood the concept of grace, yet for years now I’ve wrestled with the Lord as He’s continuously unraveled me from performance and fear. There’s been many moments of correction and heart-felt repentance as I’ve knelt on the floor, snot running from my nose as I try to catch my breath. And there’s been moments of release, where the loving conviction of my Father silenced the howling winds of confusion and fear.

But, as humans, we desire to see injustices dealt with swiftly, in measurable ways, which to humans means punishment.

So I sit here at the library, fully aware of how pharisaical and fearful I can be at times.

It seems deep down my soul and flesh cry out, “if there is no punishment for what has happened to me in my past, is it valid? Did it matter, if no one has taken up my cause?”

And how quickly the enemy can swoop in with his reply;

“God doesn’t care what’s happened to you. If He did, you wouldn’t still be suffering.”

Many have fallen prey to these lies and found themselves avenging their own cause, creating greater problems, and succumbing to pride and violence as means to an end. 

The pain I’ve experienced the past 3 years has been immeasurable. I’ve thrashed, screamed, shouted, cursed, wailed, debated, bargained, rejected, repented, lamented, withdrew, and ran to the Lord more times than I can count.

I think in the depth of my heart, the Lord has been unearthing and expelling the poison of being a religious-bred woman.

I watch some who have come to the faith after decades of no understanding of religion or “God”, and watch as they revel in His power, love, and mercy.

I’ve had to repent of envying them at times.

It seems that Jesus and I are continuously untangling he webs and cords of confusion, tradition, and condemnation as the He sets me free.

Religion has been bondage, and the greatest, I believe.

We often look at the pharisees with disgust and anger, wondering how they could be so foolish? Yet, many of us who have grown up within the bounds of church pews, offering plates, and stoic worship know all too well the temptation to act as the same.

The Lord has shown up in incredible ways, which I didn’t expect and couldn’t comprehend.

His mercy often looks like pain and failure. Not His failure but ours. Not pain He’s inflicted, but pain from the reality of human nature in a fading world.

There’s been many times He’s saved me from myself, and I often find myself struggling to keep my bitter heart at bay as He calls me to the sea, asking me to step out onto the water once again as I feel the weakness in my knees.

“Not again”, my soul cries out as the waves beat against my shins. Yet, I cannot resist the temptation to step out into the water, wanting to know the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, by means that cannot be achieved by way of the shoreline.

There were many times the pharisees were met with the reality of the God Almighty before them. They saw hands healed, diseases lifted, bodies raised, sinners changed, yet they rejected Him because He did not meet their criteria and expectations.

How often have we missed God as we watched, eyes-glazed, for our own desires and plans to come over the horizon?

In His mercy, He will bring us to places that are impossible.

Impossible for us to come through for ourselves.

His mercy is often offensive to our flesh and wounded souls.

We often desire mercy from judgement upon ourselves, yet bitterly marvel at His mercy upon “sinners”.

We sin as we place our affections in our circumstances, expectations, and desires.

Ouch.

“My ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

How we delight to use that verse when reveling in His blessings and provision. How we accuse as He seems to allow our lives to crumble around us.

I know that I’m called to the people of God. I understand that He has hand-chosen me to be a light of Christ to those who find themselves entangled in tradition, religion, and fear rather than the fullness of the Gospel.

I dare say that in some ways, it is harder than the mandate of those who were never indoctrinated by the Church.

Religion poisons the very essence of our Father’s desires for our lives. Like a cancer which grows slowly and silently, overtaking every place of our being with fear, control, and works to please a God who is “wrathful and angry”, “silent and detached”.

But, if we choose to believe Jesus’ words, and choose to see the divine storm we find ourselves in as a place of mercy and careful preparation, instead of punishment, or a lack of His involvement in our lives; we will see the intricate and powerful ways His Spirit moves within our lives.

Mercy can look like relationships being strained as co-dependency, idolatry, and control is broken. Mercy can look like homelessness, joblessness, financial struggle, debt, health issues, broken relationships, shipwrecked “faith”, and any other form of death to self-sufficiency and pride. It places you in a state of total dependence on Him to protect, provide, heal, and guide.

He is:

Jehovah Jireh. (The Lord Will Provide)

Jehovah Rapha. (The Lord Who Heals)

Jehovah Nissi.  (The Lord Is My Banner)

Mercy can look a lot like pain and failure, but sings like providence.

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