Hey God, It's Me: ADHD

Today as I sat in the bedroom, listening to a gentle YouTube playlist of instrumental worship accompanied with rain sounds, I started off well with the Lord. I spent a few moments repenting of my sins, asking Him for wisdom and patiently waiting for inspiration to come in the form of thought, scripture, or encounter. Next thing I knew, I was standing in the bathroom with a jar of coconut oil pondering all the benefits it offered the body, and asking the Lord if it was okay to do this.

Oh, the wonders of attention deficit disorder (ADD). After I’d slathered the oil on my skin, grabbed my newly refilled miniature jar of coconut oil and cinnamon toothpaste, I climbed back into bed and looked down at my phone;

“ADHD and Prayer: Connecting with God Is Tough With No Focus or Filter (additudemag.com)”

Wow. Ain’t that the truth! I was diagnosed with ADD around the age of 23 when I noticed how difficult it was raising two small children and maintaining a household. I felt many days like I was drowning and the shame that I carried was only greatly increased by the lack of attention I could give to relationships, simple daily tasks, and my own personal care. My eldest brother had been diagnosed as a child, and my middle brother was diagnosed as of this past year.

Fast forward to 2020, during an excruciatingly painful divorce. I clung to the ADHD meds for dear life. They made all the difference in my day, my to-do list, and my ability to keep some sense of calm in a body and mind that was fractured and still wrestling with the confusion and chaos of my husband leaving. When the day came that my mentor encouraged me to trust the Lord and give up the meds, I was terrified. How would I function? How would I keep myself together? How could I numb out and get all the things done that I needed to do? I wanted to keep just one. One, for a rainy day. Just in case. In that moment I knew that I needed to release them. I poured them all in a Ziploc baggie and dumped half a bottle of “Goo Gone” in, sloshing them around and coating each one. There was no going back. I was going off the grid.

Of course, when the Lord is doing a work in your life He never leaves it half-done. What started as letting go of the medicine I felt was keeping me together was quickly followed by the alcohol. I’d just recently bought a beautiful, wooden buffet table with a wine rack underneath, and had happily stocked it with some cheap but decent wine from Aldi. I didn’t really think wine was that great, but it was nice to feel like a sophisticated fulltime working single-mom. And well, wine seemed less sinful than liquor. (insert eyeroll here).

As the Lord called me to surrender yet another thing which could help to numb the pain in my life, I felt frustrated and fearful. Frustrated at the fact that He was demanding what I felt to be so much of my life, and fearful if I was to say “no”. It’s interesting how many times we can look back and see how fear can cause us to misunderstand the Lord’s heart for us in the moment. Of course, I said yes after some contemplative crying in the shower. It was later confirmed by another friend that I’d been truly called to give up alcohol. For one, alcoholism runs in my family. Two, I believe the Lord wanted to uncover the pain that had been hidden for so many years. You’ll find that those who struggle with addiction and substance abuse quite often have the greatest pain. Part of the healing journey with the Lord is to allow Him to bring to the surface all the things that we’ve hidden, forgotten and ignored for years. Any substance that causes the nervous system to react, whether it is alcohol, medicine, marijuana, or even food/drink can be a vice which keeps us from restoration and healing with the Lord. Now, I believe there are times where medicine and nutritional choices are necessary, don't get me wrong! But I also know that the Lord can heal the body in ways that man-made, or man-manipulated substances cannot. It is up to us as believers to seek the Lord on matters of the body, soul and spirit for our personal journeys.

As I’m writing this, it just occurred to me that I went off on a tangent that wasn’t completely pertinent to the topic I began with. Well, that only seems to reinforce my point that with ADD and ADHD, a one-track mind is a miracle. For me, this all loops together, connecting intricately like a space station in the year 3000 (insert Jonas Brothers song here). I pray you are still with me in this moment and if not, thanks for playing!

Getting back to the original subject matter, I believe I received some revelation through the simplicity of the Holy Spirit’s voice tonight. While pondering all this, “Ephesians 3:17” came to mind and I looked it up in my bible, and then on my phone.

“so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,”.

Rooted. A word that has become meaningful to me over the last two years. I once read the book Radical by David Platt to which he shares that the Greek word for radical is "radicalis" which means to “have roots” or be “DEEPLY ROOTED”. I often times see an image in my spirit of a large boulder, and a tree with its roots tightly wound across the surface as if holding on for dear life. To be rooted in love means to understand that you’re secure in Christ.

On this journey with the Lord, I’ve begun to have a reawakening of a heart’s desire for the wonder of conservation, forestry, and nature preservation. Many powerful revelations in the bible can be traced back to expressions of creation; “rooted”, “oaks of righteousness”, “noise of your waterfalls”, “rivers of living water”, and “the trees clap their hands”. It seems that the Lord delights in the imagery and symbolism of the works of His hands, and in that we can also understand that He delights also in us. We, being co-heirs with Christ are called to be ambassadors who bring the Kingdom of Heaven to the earth through unique giftings and abilities as well as goals and mandates established from the beginning of time. There’s a power that comes in the revelation of the Lord’s love for us, regardless of brain chemistry, past mistakes, and current struggles. He’s seen it all, and in those moments where we struggle to simply sit in His presence in silence, we can understand that He knew ahead of time the difficulty. I believe that’s why, in His kindness, He gifts us with a scripture or an inspirational thought to bring to life through creativity such as writing, painting, dance, song, crafting etc.

I used to believe that worship and meditation had to be in the form of singing, or silence on my knees. I’ll be honest with you; sitting on my knees for more than 10 minutes causes me more distraction with the pins and needles crawling up my calves and into my thighs. I think He’d rather we be rambunctiously curious in our pursuit of worship, like children, than to sit stoically, pretending to be focused while the Mario theme song bounces from one brain cell to another. I spent many years condemning myself for my quirkiness, my lack of ability in certain areas and my disdain for the ordinary. But I’d like to think that through this journey of discovery that the Lord has delighted not in my ability but in my desire to know Him. He told me once that His favorite voices are the scratchy ones, the ones off-key, the ones which sound not so beautiful before the masses, because it took courage for those people to open their mouths. Their vulnerability and lack of ability was a beautiful sacrifice upon the altar.

I think sometimes we hesitate to give to Him what we have because we feel so inadequate. Whether it is the shame of only having a few dollars to sow, or struggling with simply 10 minutes in prayer, I think every moment and every prayer is important because of our willingness to try. Over time, when the revelation of love He has for us sinks in, penetrating every lonely and broken place of our hearts, then it becomes easier to worship with our whole selves.

In this season, I’m walking through hardship. Disappointment. Quite honestly some confusion. But there is this melody of mercy which continues to ring. A song of freedom which comes from my inability to do it all, be it all or see it all. For those of you who have ADHD, ADD, Autism or believe you might, rest in the goodness of the Lord and know that He sees it all and is more than capable. It’s the willingness and the desire of our hearts that He is after. So, in this moment, at midnight as I retire to bed, I'm satisfied in this being my worship unto Him. A place of connection and contemplation which opens the doors to being DEEPLY rooted in love, ADD and all.

“I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”

The Breaker Bride